Speak Your Truth. We’re Listening.
Brothers, husbands and dads, today marks a new chapter for our community.
We’re opening the floor to your voice – your struggles, your victories, your hard-earned wisdom. While we’ve been walking this path together, we know many of you carry stories that need telling, insights that could light the way for others.
Our first guest writer steps up today, not as some guru with all the answers, but as a fellow traveler on this journey. A brother who’s been there, fought through it, and is brave enough to share what he learned along the way.
This space isn’t about polished perfection. It’s about raw honesty. About sharing the kind of truths that often get buried under “man up” and “push through.” The stuff we wish someone had told us years ago.
Maybe you’ve got something to say too. A story that might help another man feel less alone in his battle. A perspective that cuts through the noise. If so, this platform is here for you.
No judgment. No performance. Just men talking to men about things that matter.
Because sometimes the most powerful words aren’t spoken from some distant mountain of achievement. They’re whispered from the trenches by the guy fighting right beside you.
Your story matters. Your insight counts. Your voice belongs here.
Dragos,
Founder of Menqullibrium
The Curse of the Slacker Dad
Despite how difficult it can be, I try to write frequently about my experience as a husband and a dad. Even though the writing touches on some personal areas, it allows me to bring nuance to the struggles dads face as they figure out how to be better parents.
For one of my personal essays, I had an editor who was very helpful to me as I worked through writing on a particularly difficult subject. But I got the sense that she was steering me into the direction of telling a common fatherhood trope: The story of “slacker dad does good.”
You have probably read these stories before, or seen them on TV. Dad is a complete slacker, disconnected from his children, and not pulling his weight around the house. He lets his wife handle everything, even though she has a full time job too. He doesn’t know where the diapers are, what time the soccer game is, where to go for piano practice, or what the kids need to wear for spirit week at school. Usually, he then recognizes how much of a worthless slob he is, and then through deep reflection (often spurned by his realization that he loves his wife and kids so very much) he becomes a better dad.
This is not my story. Nor, do I think, is it most dads’ stories – particularly dads who read outlets like MENQUILIBRIUM.
Sure, men are still woefully behind women when it comes to contributing to household labor. More needs to be done on a structural level to take a load off women. But there are also few spaces for men to authentically open up about their struggles as fathers and husbands.
Part of the challenge is that we do not have many models of engaged fathers. When men try to be more co-equal parents, they can face ridicule and risk emasculation. Daniel Craig put on a Baby Bjorn, and people couldn’t handle it. We now see a desire for “masculine energy” filling the space where thoughtful dialogue should be, causing the discourse in the manosphere to be even more toxic.
It seems dads can be rewarded for the most basic of parenting, as long as it doesn’t stray too far from gender norms. In one essay of his collection, Manhood for Amateurs, Michael Chabon tells a story about being praised at the grocery store for being with his son, despite the fact that his son was, at that moment of praise, chewing the paper off a metal twist tie, “a choking hazard, for sure.” Chabon then goes home with his son to plop him in front of some Honey Nut Cheerios and check his email, feeling good about how great of a dad he is. The implication being, of course, that he is nowhere close to a good dad, and he goes on to examine the double standards for women in the same position as him.
The (not so surprise) ending of the essay is Chabon revealing all the ways that he is, indeed, a good dad, who spends a lot of time with his children, as well as expends tons of mental energy to ensure that he holds up his end of the parenting responsibilities. The arc he displays is the choice presented to the modern father: As a slacker, you can feel good about the most meager effort and society will praise you (and you should expect that praise). But if you step into real parenting, well, you are going to get dragged down into the pressure cooker that is raising children, and there’s no relief from that.
Being presented with only one established model for fatherhood – the slacker – leaves those of us dads who have chosen to really try in somewhat of a bind. It is very easy to tap out. But that is not only unfair to our wives, it leaves us as somewhat of nonplayer characters in our own family life. We miss out on so many of the joys of parenting.
Yet if we try to be better dads, and fall short, we can be forced to be representative of the broader systematic failures of men, rather than a human that can make mistakes. This recent cartoon for the New York Times illustrates what I mean: It tells the story of a woman coming to terms with the state of her marriage for what it is, not what she wants it to be or deserves. The cartoonist shares her real struggles as a mother, butting up against the patriarchy, with a husband who is probably less than helpful around the house.
But then, she acknowledges the humanity in her husband, and what his own challenges might be. They talk about their issues, and move forward.
Even with this somewhat happy ending, the husband is presented as a slob. In one frame of the cartoon, we see her handing him a spray bottle, as if she’s teaching him to clean. I wonder what the perspective of the husband might be in this situation. Was he sitting around, letting his wife do all the work? Maybe. Possibly. Or was he doing his best, and also feeling overwhelmed, and unsure how to talk to his wife about these issues?
No one can be perfect – moms or dads or grandparents or any caregiver. There will always be slip ups. Sometimes, more slip ups than not. I worry that men who try and fail, in good faith, will slide easily back into the safe space of “slacker dad.” Because when we try to move to be more, we scramble for some sense of validation or acceptance for trying our best. Sure, we shouldn’t try to be better dads just for validation. But everyone needs at least a bit of affirmation, and if we are going to be thrown into the trope of slob no matter what, what’s the point?
This is why I try to be as communicative with my wife about what she needs, and what I need, and what our family needs. She knows, more than anyone, how frequently I fail at even that basic task of expressing those needs. But as I work to find my own place in the spectrum of fatherhood – hopefully far from slacker, moving towards something better – I am finding out how to define my own sense of self as a dad and husband, figuring out what works for me and why.
I am working out my own place in my family, in relationship with my wife and kids. I can get up every morning and try my best, knowing that I have the support to fall short.
It’s important that men in our society can and should be doing more parenting, but we also have to recognize that people are people and we all need to figure out what makes sense in our own relationships. This is the push and pull of parenting, especially as kids grow up and things change, or as parents grow up and things change.
Jeff Raderstrong is a writer and ghostwriter who writes small stories about big questions. His work has previously been featured in MSNBC, Newsweek, and Forbes.
Remember what Menquilibrium stands for – finding balance in a world that pushes extremes, building strength through honesty, and walking together instead of alone. That’s what these guest voices will bring to our community, one real story at a time.
Thank you, Jeff!